DIARY IN ENGLISH
I have found a way for avoiding my feeling of loneliness and emptiness:
through being in love. Always.
The dream is fading away, and what´s left in my dream bubble is a little scar of disappointment.
It´s important to recognize the distinction between the psychological stuff and the spiritual one, because the limit is very thin which makes it hard to see where the psychology changes and deepens into spirituality.
Experiences something limitless and immense:
My mind opens, and suddenly I can see the i n n e r light of the world…
the landscape shows intense activity at the same time as it rests in deepest peace…
I have suddenly got the ability to step outside myself at the same time I never in my entire life have felt such a wholeness, so in one piece!
It´s like meeting the eternity with a big laugh,
and be taken into that which is not heaven nor earth, but into a third state.
And that state, that dimension have no name.
I have to accept the violence and intensity of my inner life.
I don´t want to be in a society filled with this competition-thinking. I hate the establishment, and I refuse to be part of groups because I need my solitude for recognizing the whole picture.
It seems that all of us are missing something, enclosed in a bag of loss.
Everyones mission is to make a hole in that bag.
If I want to take a faster way to the goal I´m blowing up the mountain, instead of walking the long way over it.
The target: it must always have the hardest cost.
The chock which follows every meeting of this freedom is life changing, like an earthquake.
The question about taking my own cross upon my shoulders is a question of understanding the joy of life. With other words:
The cross is not at all a medal for ”saints”.
If I want to learn something: I have to be what I learn. I cannot study with just one part of myself.
Remarkable with the consciousness: Here I´m sitting and experiencing the stillness, the concentration and joy in my work, the studio is filled with dots of sunlight on the floor, the walls. And I am thinking:
A new meaning have to break through from an inner pressure, the pressure which comes from too much love.
It is to endure the existential pressure which in some periods threathen with the illusion of destroying me. Instead I have to kill the illusion.
It is frightful to love because it gives such a dizzy perspective.
But it´s better than indifference.
Love is not blind.
Indifference make me blind.
Hate is not the opposite of love.
Sometimes when I show my sexuality I want a kind of revenge: The men are playing the game with me, and I give them a mirror. I´m showing up what I have, and then I take it back when they want me. I´m tired of being the one who loves most. Tired of this idealistic love which left me shaken, broken, betrayed.
Anyway. It´s not this erotic power I have over men which gives me the ultimate climax.
I´m always moving on, fast. I want more, but I don´t know specifically what it is.
Sometimes when I´m talking to someone who really interests me, I hardly hear what he/she is saying. I´m absorbed by our inner communication.
This is what often happens to me:
When I meet someone I love he enters me so immediately, I become so completely open that he cannot keep up and because of that he misunderstand my love.
The western man have lost his originality and as a compensation he creates an ideal. To me it´s a must to liberate myself from ideal.
Is it my dream of ”perfection” I´m now trying to destroy?
I cannot stand being superficial, I always deepen in front of everything I meet,
I don´t know if I have the power of finding my wholeness.
I´m seeking challenges which would be so strong that they could silence the pain, or at least put it in its right context.
I just want to work with ”meaningless”, and ”hopeless” projects. I want to give my life to invisible dimensions that everybody, intuitively, know are the counterpoint of our souls.
When I´m working as an art model me and the artists are talking with each other, but soundlessly.
As we are in the middle of a dream.
I love my (inner) freedom over everything else, and that´s something men can feel.
Because of that they try to do everything for catching me and put me into their ground.
But their ground is for me an abyss.
The love passion is an obsession, a satisfying form of illusion, and it´s my greatest temptation.
It´s difficult to love. It´s like trying to get a balance with myself in the middle of the act. And make it slowly.
Right now I just continuing even deeper into the land of distinction. I mean that there are a shadow to sustain before I am free to walk my own path.
The participation of gold requires that it first must unite with its opposite. I want to be free from my bounderies, but at the same time the boundaries gives clarity.
The reality itself will not judge anybody.
My ”problem” is still this:
I´m not seeking a career.
Maybe it have something to do with my feeling of having right to my place on earth.
And then the need to be different and overdoing it disappears.
When I´m deepest down in darkness I listen to Steve Reich, or Bach. It´s Something with his fugues.
Concert with Gidon Kremer who playes with a tone vibrating in high high regions, something was flowing and pouring from somewhere into his violin and then into us.
Time. Stand. Still.
Gidon Kremer inside God, enclosed by a tone.
No need for religious superstructures if I want to come in contact with ”God”. The language of theology is missing the point if it´s literal and analythical.
That language should be more of mystery and poetry.
The more of contradictions I find in myself, the closer I come the truth.
Something just continue open up, that process will never end, the crack widens and expands when the reality penetrates the soul. As a preparation?
I don´t know.
With other words: I refuse to stagnate, and that what´s provocing my whole family to the point where we cannot reach each other any more.
Patanjali says that yoga is about a state beyond hopelessness and hope.
I must be exhausted and stop trying.
Then I´m prepared for the inmost mystery.
Is this how it feels to know myself: the ego is blowing up from inside.
The closer I´m coming the solution the more difficult of access seems the terrain, as in the old fairytales. When I sense the scent of light… the demons are creeping in at the same time.
One day I´m taking a step too far. But it was that step i was forced to take for seeing it clear, for letting it be uncovered.
I was coming too close, and his face disappeared because I walked into it.
And here we have the problem.
I have to learn this so I don´t get sick of the wounds and needs from others.
I couldn´t put up that limit so I took him in to the point where he flooded my field of vision.
Despair maybe is a part of the solution, despair is maybe one of the doors to the secret.
Is this what is forced to happen: losing that I was most afraid to lose, that which I loved the most? Yes. This is the only way out from my prison; the ego.
I try to undress my personas. Why?
Curiosity about what is behind them of course!